Whenever, as happens periodically, some government wonk threatens to axe CBeebies there is an outpouring of emotion from exasperated parents the tenor of which can only be described as feral. As the wrangler of a four year old I watch more children's telly than anything else. Should you wish to know who got knocked out of Bake Off I couldn't tell you, but if you were wondering which of the toys was missing from the line-up on last Tuesday's Show Me Show Me I'm on it like a shot (is it just me or is it always Miss Mouse?) And maybe it's just Stockholm Syndrome but I've actually grown to love quite a lot of the channel's output. Not everything, by any means. There is a special place in hell reserved for the likes of Kazoops!, Kate and Mim Mim and Waffle the Wonder Dog (possibly the single worst thing to befall Western Civilization, ever). But, by and large, most of the shows have something about them, be they educational, heartwarming or just gloriously silly. Or you slightly fancy one of the presenters.
I published a similar list to this a couple of years ago, although it wasn't nearly so expansive. Many of the big hitters from then are still in the mix now but there are new shows or simply stuff I had not discovered which I felt merited revisiting this idea. Any comments - preferably civil - are welcomed, so feel free to make the case if I have overlooked your fave.
So, with a quick Biggle Wiggle, let's dive in...
40
Raa Raa the Noisy Lion
Architecturally savvy young jungle animals get gently upbraided by Lorraine Kelly
39
Footy Pups
Rachel Yankey - world class footballer, Vauxhall Conference presenter. Meanwhile, Motty puns his way through anthropomorphic vignettes about throw-ins
38
Gigglebiz
The omnipotent Justin Fletcher gets his own sketch show, in which he finds 45 different ways to fall over
37
Olobob Top
Freaky, bobble-headed creatures venture up a mountain where they find everything they need to construct fantastical creations - a bit like a magic Halfords
36
Bing
Our Greatest Living Thespian (TM) voices a zen like sock puppet who happens to be looking after a whiny bunny. Knowing that Kids TV is where the money is...it's a Bing Thing
35
Teletubbies
90s student wig-out gets a shiny upgrade with additional, procreationally- puzzling Tiddlytubbies to boot
34
Apple Tree House
Gritty, multi-ethnic kids soap set on a housing estate. What EastEnders would look like if the producers overdosed on jelly
33
Swashbuckle
Shipwrecked East Anglian pirates devise over-elaborate games to allow small children to steal their jewels. Every episode
32
Jamilah and Aladdin
What you get when you combine the production values of Gandhi with the script quality of Hollyoaks. Knockabout culture clash, meta-fairy tale shenanigans
31
Alphablocks/Numberblocks
Narcissistic cube-things break into impressive song and dance numbers in order to justify their abstract existence
30
Something Special
Justin combines charming real-world stories with excerpts from the saga of the Tumbles - about whom, considering they are all fundamentally Justin, one worries about the spread of the gene pool
29
Messy Goes To OKIDO
Over-excitable blue monster journeys to garish dystopia whenever curious. Essentially Do You Know? for psychopaths
28
Justin's House
In which we learn that domestic servitude is perfectly permissible if carried out by a comic robot genius
27
In the Night Garden
Existential meditation on the nature of death, the duality of the soul and the importance of keeping hold of your trousers
26
64 Zoo Lane
Worrying tale of shoddy town planning as zoo is erected in the middle of suburban street and a seven year old girl absconds from her room every night to chat shit with a giraffe
25
Mister Maker
Endlessly re-formatable buttons and glue fest in which our arty hero makes paper cup rabbits in front of Table Mountain and tries not to lop his finger off during the minute make
24
Tinga Tinga Tales
Africa-set animal origin stories, the latest in a proud British tradition of entertainingly misleading children about the nature of evolution. Richard Dawkins ritually burns the DVD, probably
23
The Adventures of Abney and Teal
Mild mannered civil servant in the body of a grey sock puppet contends with various irritants trying to prevent him from having a nice bowl of porridge
22
Chuggington
The adventures of a group of engines that can talk, think and operate themselves and their shocking lack of awareness at how the level of train driver unemployment has shot up in the Chuggington area
21
Get Well Soon
Impossibly smiley Strictly contestant takes forever to treat a bevy of jaundiced puppets with generally minor conditions. Oh, and there's a nurse who employs child labour. No wonder the NHS is on its knees
20
Sarah and Duck
Hipster girl scoffs too much quinoa and imagines her best friend is a duck. Cue low-key conflabs with talking umbrellas and a woman who is 90% scarf. A boutique festival-attending graphic designer's idea of the perfect kids' cartoon
19
Andy's Dinosaur/ Prehistoric Adventures
Selfishly keeping the discovery of a time travelling grandfather clock to himself museum lackey Andy cavorts around prehistory dropping both his aitches and the odd salient fact about Icthyosaurs
18
Katie Morag
A Celtic whirl of rugged coastlines, ludicrous names (Neilly Beag, anyone?) and sweaters so heavy they'd crush even Sarah Lund. Star of the show is undoubtedly the fearsome Granny Island, a cross between Gloria Hunniford and a vengeful kestrel
17
Old Jack's Boat
National Treasure Bernard Cribbins regales us with a spellbinding yarn full of magical maritime mirth as a seasoned cast gurn and fall over in the background
16
Grandpa in My Pocket
Miniature octogenarian gads about in model cars and aeroplanes in a desperate attempt to stave off the inevitable onrush of death
15
Peter Rabbit
Action rabbits stick it to the Man (ie. Mr. MacGregor) whilst a soft rock theme tune drowns out the sound of Beatrix Potter spinning in her grave
14
Timmy Time
An obnoxious lamb, a passive aggressive kitten and a piglet in a comedy jumper (amongst others) contrive to send their preschool into special measures - all without uttering a word
13
Postman Pat/ Special Delivery Service
Serially incompetent postie is rewarded for dangerous ineptitude with ever expanding fleet of vehicles and outlandish workplace modifications so that he can bring his pet to work
12
Twirlywoos
A family of colour coded chickens fuck about with members of the public whilst remaining unseen throughout. Episode usually culminates with the stooge guffawing wildly to themselves as the madness finally envelopes their fractured psyches
11
Rastamouse
Fret about cultural appropriation and the fact that nobody is wearing any trousers, whilst a crime busting reggae group lay down some tunes and locate some special 'cheese' at the orphanage. Irie, man
10
Show Me Show Me
Stick loveable Chris and Pui in a pair of flares and you could almost be watching 70s kids' telly icon Playschool, albeit without the nagging doubts about Operation Yewtree
9
Bedtime Stories
Who will it be? A twinkly old thesp or that bloke from Elbow? Her off of Corrie or Kimblerley bloody Walsh? Whoever it is and whatever they are reading you can bet they'll sound unintentionally creepy when wishing you 'good night'
8
Do You Know?
Posh brain-box wields her 'special camera' like an East German Stasi agent, ensuring that nobody misses a second of the toilet roll making process
7
Let's Play
Sid and Rebecca channel Mr. Benn as they ham their way through a variety of occupations from policewoman to footballer to, er, Ancient Egyptian, whilst regional accents ping around the country at the drop of a hat
6
The Furchester Hotel
The Muppets meets Three in a Bed as the Half Star Furchester attempts to cater to its incredibly demanding clientele. The staff's habit of breaking into the musical refrain 'It's a Catastrophe!' probably affects their TripAdvisor ratings. They might want to think about that
5
Charlie and Lola
While Mater and Pater are booking the latest jaunt to Kitzbuhel long suffering Charlie is left to look after precocious little sis Lola and her wayward grammar. Also has the best theme tune on the network
4
Octonauts
A cat, a rabbit and other assorted animals that really love water form an elite rescue squad and teach the nation more about marine biology than a dozen Open University courses. Proves beyond a doubt that a sea creature with a Brummie accent is just flat out funny
3
Go Jetters
Geography based action adventure series transforms into the campest programme on TV thanks to a disco dancing unicorn and a magnificently moustachioed roguish diva. Would have been Number 1 if it wasn't for the lame Academy episodes
2
Hey Duggee
Mountainous hound presides over exhaustive badge winning system that makes the Scouts look like soporific part-timers, whilst a parade of arch animals are crushed beneath the weight of their pop culture references
1
Clangers
Blue string pudding for the soul. Knitted space creatures love, laugh, bicker and spill soup all over the place, as gently magical events illustrate important life lessons and the warm tones of Michael Palin's narration make us believe that everything is going to be alright with the world. At least until Kate and fucking Mim Mim starts up...
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